How it feels to be a Grammar Nazi

You have probably already read articles on what Grammar Nazis are; how to identify them and tell them apart; what makes them so damn irritating; how to diagnose yourself with Grammar Nazism; and how to even become one.

What I’m betting you haven’t read about is what it feels like to be one. If eyes are the windows to the soul, then our windows are barricaded with grammatical filters, linguistic ventilators and semantic blinds. Brace yourselves… Grammar is coming:

1)      When we chance upon grammatical mistakes… Well, to put it in perspective, every misplaced punctuation, fallacious spelling, or just painfully erroneous writing, is the equivalent of a bullet passing through our skulls – in slow motion.

2)      This is why we make such great English teachers and editors. Our pay checks proficiency is indirectly dependent on being tormented. We don’t check for mistakes on purpose, usually.
Fun fact: Everytime isn't a word; every time is a phrase synonymous with each time.

           

                                     

3)      Of course, this may be inherently linked to our being “mean and sarcastic”. People are lovely, really, just not as grammatically fine-tuned as we’d like them to be. Also, for f**k’s sake, how people make mistakes with grammar checkers is beyond us.

4)      As demonstrated above and below, we’re inadvertently direct; deal with it.

5)      This causes us great distress in socialising. We thread the thin ice between being helpful and breathing down your neck. When and how should we correct someone, who never gives a flying crap about homonyms? If we’re hesitant, we actually like you and want to be friends.

Random Bimbo A: OMG. I can’t stand the way their using bad grammar!!! L

Random Bimbo B: ROFL. Naw the ppl their r just dumb!! J

Me: The people there* will be pleased to know they’re* not the only ones. J

6)      Punctuation is another of our all-time hair-raisers. We tend to ruminate on the intellectual integrity of such horrendous atrocities, because all you need to avoid sounding like deranged hipsters on weed -- is two seconds of punctuating. This is what we see:

Shit pouring now weather's giving me the runs.

What was probably meant: Shit, pouring now. Weather's giving me the runs.

OR

It’s hailing jackasses forgot to reinforce windows again.

What was probably meant: It’s hailing. Jackasses forgot to reinforce windows again.

7)      Then, we feel as though we have to de-capitalise a letter or leave out a period, on purpose, just to fit in and get more Facebook likes.

8)      Our congregations enjoy quibbling over pedantic technicalities. What did you expect? We’re sticklers for grammar. With the rules of English punctuation, tenses and vocabulary constantly nuanced, comes the Round Table of cutthroat, disagreeable grammar geeks.

9)      So, existing rules are another worry. Words, like swag, selfie and bromance, have been readily enrolled in native English usage. Oh, let’s not forget the hyphen-adjective abuse, e.g., “He had a sucker-punch-to-my-dongs-from-my-sex-pet way of snoring…”

10)   Ergo, being a Grammar Nazi also means being a Vocabulary Nazi. What’s the difference between yoke and yolk? I mean, at some point, you really might need to know, i.e., for following recipes or for transcribing diplomatic conferences, and other such shenanigans.

e.g. 1: “I say, my thesis needs some yolk of colonialism and, by all means, a dash of pickled capitalist pepper!

e.g. 2: “Honey, this casserole cookbook says we need to scramble the yoke on our bullocks for the beef stew.”

11)   Due to our condescending nature, making a grammatical mistake means the demise of life as we know it, because everyone, whom we've ever taken the piss out of, will hunt us down and never let us hear the end of it.

12)   But this compels us to stay sharp and always proof-read our stuff. Like, a one-liner of 8 words probably takes us four minutes to send out, after which we’ll further edit our message because that perfectionist in us just won't take it lying down.

13)   The awareness of being unable to edit or prearrange spontaneous speech renders us more conscious of the risk of accidental slips. This means we take a while to articulate ourselves or abruptly fumble between words, and/or awkwardly correct ourselves. You can’t miss it.

14)   Our lecturers love us for our perfect, distinction-guaranteed 3000-word essays. How long does one sentence take, again? Pop quiz! How long did I take to write this?

15)   In turn, our friends swarm to us for advice. Instead of the dilemma of being tactful vs. helpful, we’re now torn from wanting the time to ensure our assignments are impeccable – to wanting to earn peer validation.

 

16)   In summary, yes, the myth about Grammar Nazis having that superiority complex is, verily and alas, true. We think we’re on a higher plane somewhat, all sophisticated and intellectual; basically, English language demi-gods who smite unsatisfactory writing.

17)   Our biggest flaw, in my opinion, is that we’re so caught up in whether they are verbalised correctly that we miss out on the intrinsic and intentional meanings of words. But we can’t help ourselves, can we?

18)   P.S. We typically suck at registering and processing numbers; instead, we find luscious consolation in nit-picking and hair-splitting within the English language. Don’t take my word for it; go and befriend a Grammar Nazi today!

*Author’s disclaimer: Not an English major, never took any specialised English language courses, never took any literature classes past his lower secondary days, hates reading overly complicated theories concerning the English language. Not too strict of a Grammar Nazi; is a socio-casual one, so to speak, with an off button. BUT...

*Loves English and reading interesting things, and is self-taught. Has done extensive personal research on the subject matter. Enjoys penning short articles, stories and poems. Is actually currently teaching the subject.