Frustrated Much?

... I dunno how to say this, but I think this is the only place where I can make my personal thoughts known - not too personal though, I'm gonna be reserving some stuff for myself to brood over.

I'm not feeling good; I'm in a foul mood. It could actually be one of those teenage hormonal outbursts that I'm experiencing. It's just I'm highly perceptive of what may be causing this and the repercussions if I decide to throw caution to the wind, that's why I've been struggling to keep them under control. 

The thing is, a teenager's a teenager, and however mature I think I may be, it's suffocating and ridiculous to pent them up, and I am this close to losing it. In the end, it's never easy growing out of some mindsets and emotions even if you've grazed adulthood. And the new responsibilities that come with it doesn't do much to help. Maybe I don't wanna mature, maybe I wish I was a kid again.

I realize I'm being I'm being immature now, but I can't help it... I'm extremely frustrated. I guess the only thing that made me really, really smile completely from the heart was when a good friend from England told me she was feeling the same way, and I just found that to be amusing. After a bit of reflection, I concluded that I just found it amusing because someone from the other side of the world can feel the same way. It's probably common at our age (I'm 18),
and that I'm not alone. At this moment and place, my stupid Internet is picking on me. Just great - I can't do my homework, I can't even watch videos, but on the bright side, I'm still able to login to MSN.

Many of my friends may have observed this, but I'm having a mental and emotional malfunction. Like, someone put a stopper in my system. I'm unable to think, or even talk normally for that matter, and... I know that they're not smarter, neither am I more stupid, so I'm confused that I seem so dumb around them. I try not to read too much into it, but the more I don't, the more unfocused I become and neglect other important stuff. My problem is that I'm too conscious of myself and people; it's a clingy habit, being aware of being aware.

I find connections with my friends increasingly fragile. Whenever chatter is riled up, I keep my mouth shut, just shut. I suspect I'm developing some kind of inferiority complex. I haven't the faintest idea how I can get back my identity - my heart. I'm starting to get crazy ideas: a ghostly encounter, getting kidnapped, engaged in a physical fight, cutting myself (? naah!!), or plainly crying my heart out (if I can... Insensitive tear glands you know), any sort of inspiration that can trigger my real self back out. Maybe climb a mountain and immerse in wilderness to "find myself".

It seems kindred spirits cannot be found simply; pity about that. I still have many things I wanna say, but if I actually said these, and I mean, confide in anyone about it, I feel as though I might just pour my tears and heart out, but I detest being weak in people's eyes.

I should go purchase a punching bag instead of just venting my frustrations so verbosely. No, I should see a shrink.