This post is a mess. I'm a mess. I can't even form the words properly. I'm mentally choking. My sentences are as garbled as my voice. But I'm alive. I'm surviving. I'll reclaim myself.
This incoherent post is brought to you by the feelings: Sappy, Whiny and Emo. You've been warned.
I've never had my whole world taken away from me before. Nor have I wanted the world so much, when it was you.
People tell you to stay strong and forget about the past. "Don't think too much," they say. "Time heals everything," they guarantee. "There's better ones out there," the chorus of matter-of-fact tones chant. But how exactly do you do this? How do you get better? Do you cry yourself to sleep every night to release the clogged up tears gagging you? Do you go out and be crazy drunk and dance until you suffocate your memories with numb ecstasy? Do you immerse yourself in work and replace the emotional grief with mental distractions, just until you can say her name without freezing up? Do you go out and talk to people until their ears fall off from your constant self-piteous need to be comforted and expressed?
How do you not "think too much"? How do you forget someone who gave you all the happiness you had been looking for all your life, then stole it like it was worth nothing? How do you forgive them? Why me? You ask yourself. What was it that I did? When will time take it all away? How do I crop this mistake out of my life? Will I ever be able to look at someone the way I did with you and see something I never thought would be as beautiful?
It's tough saying goodbye forever to something that was the best part of yourself. But it's tougher when you can't summon the bad memories to hate it. It's tougher when the good ones come flooding in one by one, and you break down trying to make peace with them and come to terms with bidding farewell. It's tougher when you can't stop the tears. It's tougher when you feel lonelier in spite of all the people reaching out to you. They don't register. The emptiness builds up. You can't give anymore. The more people you surround yourself with, the more lost you feel, because she'll never hold you again.
It's tougher when the only one who can mend your heart is the one who broke it. It's tougher when you have to pretend everything's okay because everyone tells you it's an ending to a new beginning and you'll smile again, and you don't want to disappoint them or trouble them any further. It's tougher when everywhere you go, you see her and you hear her and you just can't feel happy because you've already collapsed inside. The feeling of loss makes its home in you and haunts you every waking moment. And you're stifling a whimper every time you breathe. The only peace and salvation you get is in sleep. It's tougher when at your worst, you don't want to be in anyone's arms but hers, the only respite you had from all that shit in life. It's tougher because the only time you need her is the time she's gone for good.
So, as incredibly hard as it is, as much as I have cried and put off remembering the details, this post is about my thought process for the past two months and however long it takes to exhaust itself. This post is about how I found the only person I never had and how I lost her.
